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YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO FITNESS

My last editorial, which was brilliant, gave 8 obvious reasons to fire your personal trainer. I assume, after having read that article many times, you fired said trainer without a single look back. The highway to a better and fitter you only has enough room for one speeding bullet and that bullet is you, baby. I will also assume that you've picked up class pass, signed up for some Crossfit gym, and have spent the better part of your Sunday working out (you know, so you don't have to workout the rest of the week). There's only one problem and it's kind of a big one:

You don't know how to fitness. And you never will.

It's ok, however, because you have a Fitbit and myfitnesspal and understand that if you consume less calories than you expend you will lose weight and nothing tastes as good as skinny feels so you’re on your way to that summer body.

Right. Besides being wrong, here are 7 other explanations explaining your fit-ignorance and how you can do nothing about it:

7. You can't read body language. Especially not your own.

There is an unfortunate truth about the human body that fitness professionals hide from their clients and Instagram accounts: the body does not have a road map. At least not one that makes any real sense. Do you know what "relational-compensation" means? Me neither. But let’s attempt to simplify itlike this. Your body consists: for most of us, the body consists of "lazy shit" and “worn-out shit." You might find that some of your “worn-out shit" is pretty pissed off at some of your “lazy shit" for not doing their job (like, you know, holding up you spine) and rewards you - the innocent, ignorant fitness hopeful - with a signal we call "pain.” And as much as you don't like pain, you hate the idea of having to listen to something that doesn’t speak English even more. Who has the time to to translate a signal into some kind of comprehensible language outside of the word “ouch." So, unpleased with the “worn-out shit’s" message, you return the reward by mashing it as hard as you can with a vibrating foam roller per your roommate's physical therapist's suggestion and then wonder why you never feel better. That's like a boxer attempting to heal his swollen eye socket by having his coach punch him in the face as hard as he can. You're pointing the blame in the wrong direction, and it's not because you can't see, it's because you're an idiot.

Here's the good news. It's not your fault. Looking back on your ENTIRE LIFE, nobody ever taught you how to fitness. Instead, you were given 15 minutes of PE where you stood against the wall of a handball court until some kid named Trevor hit you in the face as hard as he could with an inflatable red circle of rubber death. And at the end of the year your PE "teacher" had the nerve to ask you to do pull ups to pass out of some standardized state fitness exam with the threat of not passing the 5th grade if you couldn't muster your fat little ass over that pull up bar more than 5 times. What did you learn about your body? Nothing. If this was your life, which it was, there's no wonder why you're no good at fitness! You were traumatized as a kid! It's bad enough your parents wouldn’t help you with your homework, they couldn't even teach you the benefits of a proper diet and regular exercise to make sure you didn't experience a visit from the early on-set diabetic ghost of Christmas' future. 

Fed up with your own lack of fit-knowledge you probably had no other option but to turn to reliable sources of knowledge on fitness to attain your goals. Which then became reason number 6 on this list.

6. You read fitness articles published by Business Insider

The author of a recent editorial in Business Insider expressed their distaste with SoulCycle for not being the workout everybody cracks it up to be. It even sites "professional" sources who state that you may not get the results you want by doing two things at one time (men, pay attention) and lists a plethora of other complaints about this group fitness experience that this person spent hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars on just to get their fat ass right back into a chair yelling at invisible people on the Internet. 

Newsflash, Business Insider: Group fitness instructors are glorified cheerleaders and you don't blame the cheer squad when the football team (you, in this analogy) doesn't win the game. Good cheerleaders boost moral and offer the prospect of some decent side boob help sell overpriced tickets at shitty arenas where the team (again, you) is going to lose. I can’t believe I have to tell you this but you're not going to improve your strength goals by spending $100 on cycling with 2 pound dumbbells. How could you think that sitting in a chair with pedals would be the fitness answer to your sitting at a desk without pedals all day? Here’s a new plan: try doing some push ups in between the nothing you do for 10 hours a day and spend the $35 I just helped you save today another vibrating foam roller. 

Realistically, however, you're not completely to blame. What it comes down to is simple:

5. Your goals are unrealistic and perpetuated by images in (social) media

You know what the first thing I notice about working in this industry is? Everybody has body dysmorphia. I do. You definitely do. Your trainer, who you fired last week, has more now than ever. We're too big, too small, too weak, too slow, too something and not enough something else (I think that was even the second sentence of last week's writing). So let's get something very clear, and here may be the only time in this entire article where I'm actually serious:

You are absolutely fine. You're not broken. You never will be. And there will never be an opportunity in your life where you think to yourself, "you know what would have made that experience even better? If I had a six pack the whole time." 

Get over it. You're not competing in fitness competitions. And if you are, then you need to stop sharing your glorified anorexia with your friends and family right now. If you work in the business of sharing fitness secrets for weight loss (here's one: eat less) or how to build a better butt (here's another: be Brazilian) you need to stop lying to your audience and start owning up to these three facts.

1) Your hard work on your body comes at a sacrifice to other things in your life namely, happiness;

2) If it wasn't your job it wouldn't be worth it, and;

3) you are genetically or surgically gifted and there's nothing you can sell to make that available to the general public for $19.99 per month.

The only fact listed above that may be "somewhat" misleading is number 3. Some of these fitness professionals selling you their protein powders and creams might not have been given the genetics that I discuss here. But they have been in the right place at the right time and met the right person who offered them the right stuff to look the right way that enables them to tell you the right thing to buy the wrong shit? And why can't you buy the right shit?...

4. You don't have access to illegal performance enhancing supplements

If you did you wouldn't be reading this article because you wouldn't know how to read in the first place. The truth is, actually, that steroids are everywhere. It's estimated that up to 10% of regular gym purveyors have experimented (read: abused) some type of illegal performance enhancing substance. And hey, I'm not against it by any means. But for the person who lifts twice a month and spins when the hot teacher is on the bike (read: you) these drugs wouldn't do much to facilitate your New Years resolution of being bit less of a piece of shit than you were last year. And let's face it, you've already broken it. Speaking of your 3x/month workout schedule...

3. You only do "x"

It's bad enough you don't do more of "x" but the fact that you have limited your fitness potential to one form of exercise goes to show how truly impossible your journey is. Imagine eating one food for the rest of your life. Ever see somebody consume a ton of carrots? They literally turn orange. Doing one thing (the same thing) over and over again hasn't worked out for anybody anywhere in the history of mankind. Sure you'll knock your “Fran" time down .13 seconds or finally nail some 3,000-year-old hand-balance that you spent three whole hours working on but the not so big secret is this: Nobody gives a shit. Not your friends. Not your family. Not me (especially not me). Nobody. And you're not going to get into heaven with 80 likes on your latest Instagram video. So when it comes down to it...

2. It doesn't REALLY matter to you (either).

If it did, you'd be where you wanted to be already and we wouldn't be having this discussion. You know what the secret is to getting into shape is? Don't get out of shape. Pretty easy, right? Do the things that make you happy and keep you active. Live a life filled with adventure and excitement. Take the long way home. Walk around a block you've never been down. EXPLORE. There's only one tenant to live by when it comes to fitness and its this:

Move or Move on. 

If it matters to you then you've already begun because you’ve never stopped. If it doesn't, but you still want it, you've got a problem, and that leads us to.

1. You fired your personal trainer, the only person who actually knew how to get you to where you want to be. 

What were you thinking, listening to me?

Thanks for reading. Make sure to click on the store link on my website to be apart of a growing community of self-motivated and article-debunking individuals who follow a structure and personalized program based upon their real needs in and out of the gym. Also like my Facebook page, follow me on instagram, and share! 

Your Personal Trainer Sucks

     Let’s be honest: You’ll never be as fit as you’d like to be.

     You’ll always be “too” something or "not enough" something else. You know it. I know it. Your personal trainer knows it. But you still keep paying for session after session to have some guy or girl with some degree or certification tell you something or other about how you can. It’s about time your trainer stopped lying to you. Here’s the top eight reasons why your personal trainer sucks.

8. The Assessment Sucks

     Talk about a waste of time. How hard is fitness, really? What the hell is a PAR-Q? Medical History? Even if that questionnaire had any effect on the way you were about to be trained, your trainer (most likely) is not a doctor which means that he or she knows absolutely nothing. Why do they need to know about your injury history? Your acute and chronic pain? Sleeping patterns and stress levels? Are you kidding me? BE A PERSONAL TRAINER. Count my reps, shut up and take my money. 

     And what is with these contrived movement assessment? FMS? SFMA? TPI? NKT? Stop using words like “flexion” and “cervical” and “health” and point to the damn squat rack. So I can’t balance on one foot for more than 10 seconds, I HAVE TWO FEET, JACK. Who came up with these screens anyway? Can your trainer really explain the benefit of knowing these things relative to what they call your “program”?

     They can? Fine. 

7. Corrective Exercise Sucks

     Not only has your first session with this “professional” been spent discussing your bowel movements and diaphragmatic trauma, but now your trainer has you lying on the ground and rolling around like you’re a goddamned infant. YOU DON’T NEED TO ROLL. EVER. You know why you rolled when you were an infant? Because you didn’t have the cognitive capacity to tell somebody weaker than you to go get you what you wanted. That’s why you’re here. To tell your trainer, WHO YOU PAY BY THE WAY, what to do. And now they have you crawling. Do you still need a bottle and blanky? Get off the damn floor and walk away from your trainer like the grown up that you are.

     If by some magic grace of god your trainer managed to sell you on the “benefits” of these “correctives” you’ve still got a major problem ahead of you.

6. The Programming Sucks

     Your personal trainer, that person who now understands your intimate relationships with both your internals and externals, only sees you how many times per week? My guess is that you’re the 2-3 kind of person which, lets be honest, is WAY TOO MUCH TIME spent with one person on any given week. Even so, that’s only 1% of you’re entire time spent on your fitness. What about the other 165 hours of the week? What are they doing for you then? OTHER CLIENTS? Do you let your spouse sleep with other “clients”? Doesn’t your trainer convey to you that you can’t see results by working out only 2-3 times per week and not doing anything else? They do? So then what? They give you homework? What kind of crazy bullshit is this. Homework is punishment. Homework is what teachers gave you because you didn’t pay attention in class. And now some dick in nike dryfit is telling you to run in place on a moving platform for an hour a day? Are you a horse? NO, BECAUSE HORSES DON’T HAVE HOMEWORK. You’re paying this clown to treat you like an infant horse. You’re being spoon fed this bullshit that is “fitness” day in and day out. Speaking of spoonfed...

5. Nutrition Sucks

     What is the point of exercise if you have to eat right too? By the way, and I mean this, there’s no such thing as “good” or “bad” food. And every single day there are more and more articles on what’s “good” or “bad” for you. Here’s a fact you need to keep in mind and this is 100% true: every person throughout the history or mankind who has ever gone on a diet has or will die at some point in their life. Eating “right” is for chumps. Enjoy your food. Stop working out. Which may or may not lead to number 4.

4. Your Body Sucks

     Look at your trainer’s body. Now look at your body. How long have you been paying this person? Does your body look like theirs? No? WHY ARE YOU PAYING THIS PERSON? You’re being tormented day in and day out both mentally and physically and you seem, for some reason, to like it. Remember the first sentence of this essay: “you will never be as fit as you want to be.” Even if you didn’t have body dysmorphia, which your trainer has surely helped you develop, you are facing an ever progressing uphill battle toward death. Why be fit now when YOU WILL DIE eventually? Your great grandkids going to remember your six pack? Or are they going to remember how you left the family bankrupt because you spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to have a personal trainer make you feel bad about your Overhead Squat Reassessment? You paying for personal training is like you playing the lottery - you’re an idiot.

     Let’s say, miraculously, that these things still haven’t stopped you. Don’t forget point 3.

3. Your Schedule Sucks

     Yours. Not theirs. Well, theirs does too. Most of them have to work somewhere between 12-16 hours per day to service. Most of them don’t get lunch breaks. They have clients constantly rescheduling, making adjustments to their travels, coming in too early or too late, complaining of something or other, taking phone calls during their sessions, and texting or calling constantly with “why didn’t you like my instagram photo of the healthy meal I posted three weeks ago?” They might also have managers up their assess, other trainers trying to poach their clients (and then business), never get to see the sun or even take care of their bodies because the hours that are not spent on their feet are spent creating silly ass assessment protocols and corrective exercise strategies to go along with a custom program for your 1 or less session per week that you may or may not be able to make because your dog’s babysitter caught mono. SORRY TRAINER. NOT MY JOB, NOT MY PROBLEM. You should have gone to law school like your brother and then maybe you wouldn’t be in this situation day in and day out running on less than 4 hours per sleep 6 nights a week. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD. Speaking of...

2. Trainer Education Sucks

     Ask your personal trainer what college they went to. Then ask what their degree was. Then ask if they graduated. Then ask hell they became a personal trainer instead of having a real career like a doctor. Ask them how many certifications they have. Ask them how much money they spent on it. Then laugh in their face. Unless they didn’t do any of those things and refuse to pursue continuing education. Then you’re probably in pretty good hands and should offer them a position in whatever the hell it is that you do that’s keeping you so out of shape.

1. Fitness Sucks

     Fitness isn’t a real word. It is a word we invented to describe the simulated activity that our ancestors were forced to do in their every day lives (read: survive) in order to provide us the current life we lead where WE DON’T HAVE TO. Have you heard of “paleo” before? It’s a diet. Apparently you only eat meat and dirt or something. There’s no “paleo” fitness though because PALEOLITHIC MAN DIDN’T HAVE GYMS. They were running away from lions which kept them fit as hell if they didn’t die before the age of 17 which they all did. These people couldn’t think of the wheel for hundreds of years and now I’m supposed to follow their food habits? Stop. Speaking of running, have you heard of runner’s high? The basic consensus seems to be that runners experience an overflow of endorphins after about a 6-7 mile run. That could be up to two hours of running to get high! Are you high right now expecting me to try that? So many drugs can do that and get you back to your normally scheduled day of doing nothing without the time commitment of two hours. 

     And this idea of “functional” is complete and utter bullshit. What does that even mean? CrossFit gyms (the only real gyms by the way) use it to describe their method of training. Trainers will advertise this shit all the time. “I’m a functional trainer.” “I only train functional movements.” Here’s the definition of functional: "of or having a special activity, purpose, or task; relating to the way in which something works or operates.” You and I both know how you work and operate: at a desk in front of a computer for 10 hours per day. So why the hell is this “functional trainer” asking you to deadlift and swing a kettle bell? Stay at your computer and don’t move ever. Go home and hate yourself a little less knowing that I just saved you a small fortune on never having to pay another trainer again.

And that’s about it.

     Fire your personal trainer today and click the store link on my website to be apart of a growing community of self-motivated individuals following a structured and personalized program based upon their real needs in and out of the gym. Also like my Facebook page and share if you enjoyed reading.