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YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO FITNESS

My last editorial, which was brilliant, gave 8 obvious reasons to fire your personal trainer. I assume, after having read that article many times, you fired said trainer without a single look back. The highway to a better and fitter you only has enough room for one speeding bullet and that bullet is you, baby. I will also assume that you've picked up class pass, signed up for some Crossfit gym, and have spent the better part of your Sunday working out (you know, so you don't have to workout the rest of the week). There's only one problem and it's kind of a big one:

You don't know how to fitness. And you never will.

It's ok, however, because you have a Fitbit and myfitnesspal and understand that if you consume less calories than you expend you will lose weight and nothing tastes as good as skinny feels so you’re on your way to that summer body.

Right. Besides being wrong, here are 7 other explanations explaining your fit-ignorance and how you can do nothing about it:

7. You can't read body language. Especially not your own.

There is an unfortunate truth about the human body that fitness professionals hide from their clients and Instagram accounts: the body does not have a road map. At least not one that makes any real sense. Do you know what "relational-compensation" means? Me neither. But let’s attempt to simplify itlike this. Your body consists: for most of us, the body consists of "lazy shit" and “worn-out shit." You might find that some of your “worn-out shit" is pretty pissed off at some of your “lazy shit" for not doing their job (like, you know, holding up you spine) and rewards you - the innocent, ignorant fitness hopeful - with a signal we call "pain.” And as much as you don't like pain, you hate the idea of having to listen to something that doesn’t speak English even more. Who has the time to to translate a signal into some kind of comprehensible language outside of the word “ouch." So, unpleased with the “worn-out shit’s" message, you return the reward by mashing it as hard as you can with a vibrating foam roller per your roommate's physical therapist's suggestion and then wonder why you never feel better. That's like a boxer attempting to heal his swollen eye socket by having his coach punch him in the face as hard as he can. You're pointing the blame in the wrong direction, and it's not because you can't see, it's because you're an idiot.

Here's the good news. It's not your fault. Looking back on your ENTIRE LIFE, nobody ever taught you how to fitness. Instead, you were given 15 minutes of PE where you stood against the wall of a handball court until some kid named Trevor hit you in the face as hard as he could with an inflatable red circle of rubber death. And at the end of the year your PE "teacher" had the nerve to ask you to do pull ups to pass out of some standardized state fitness exam with the threat of not passing the 5th grade if you couldn't muster your fat little ass over that pull up bar more than 5 times. What did you learn about your body? Nothing. If this was your life, which it was, there's no wonder why you're no good at fitness! You were traumatized as a kid! It's bad enough your parents wouldn’t help you with your homework, they couldn't even teach you the benefits of a proper diet and regular exercise to make sure you didn't experience a visit from the early on-set diabetic ghost of Christmas' future. 

Fed up with your own lack of fit-knowledge you probably had no other option but to turn to reliable sources of knowledge on fitness to attain your goals. Which then became reason number 6 on this list.

6. You read fitness articles published by Business Insider

The author of a recent editorial in Business Insider expressed their distaste with SoulCycle for not being the workout everybody cracks it up to be. It even sites "professional" sources who state that you may not get the results you want by doing two things at one time (men, pay attention) and lists a plethora of other complaints about this group fitness experience that this person spent hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars on just to get their fat ass right back into a chair yelling at invisible people on the Internet. 

Newsflash, Business Insider: Group fitness instructors are glorified cheerleaders and you don't blame the cheer squad when the football team (you, in this analogy) doesn't win the game. Good cheerleaders boost moral and offer the prospect of some decent side boob help sell overpriced tickets at shitty arenas where the team (again, you) is going to lose. I can’t believe I have to tell you this but you're not going to improve your strength goals by spending $100 on cycling with 2 pound dumbbells. How could you think that sitting in a chair with pedals would be the fitness answer to your sitting at a desk without pedals all day? Here’s a new plan: try doing some push ups in between the nothing you do for 10 hours a day and spend the $35 I just helped you save today another vibrating foam roller. 

Realistically, however, you're not completely to blame. What it comes down to is simple:

5. Your goals are unrealistic and perpetuated by images in (social) media

You know what the first thing I notice about working in this industry is? Everybody has body dysmorphia. I do. You definitely do. Your trainer, who you fired last week, has more now than ever. We're too big, too small, too weak, too slow, too something and not enough something else (I think that was even the second sentence of last week's writing). So let's get something very clear, and here may be the only time in this entire article where I'm actually serious:

You are absolutely fine. You're not broken. You never will be. And there will never be an opportunity in your life where you think to yourself, "you know what would have made that experience even better? If I had a six pack the whole time." 

Get over it. You're not competing in fitness competitions. And if you are, then you need to stop sharing your glorified anorexia with your friends and family right now. If you work in the business of sharing fitness secrets for weight loss (here's one: eat less) or how to build a better butt (here's another: be Brazilian) you need to stop lying to your audience and start owning up to these three facts.

1) Your hard work on your body comes at a sacrifice to other things in your life namely, happiness;

2) If it wasn't your job it wouldn't be worth it, and;

3) you are genetically or surgically gifted and there's nothing you can sell to make that available to the general public for $19.99 per month.

The only fact listed above that may be "somewhat" misleading is number 3. Some of these fitness professionals selling you their protein powders and creams might not have been given the genetics that I discuss here. But they have been in the right place at the right time and met the right person who offered them the right stuff to look the right way that enables them to tell you the right thing to buy the wrong shit? And why can't you buy the right shit?...

4. You don't have access to illegal performance enhancing supplements

If you did you wouldn't be reading this article because you wouldn't know how to read in the first place. The truth is, actually, that steroids are everywhere. It's estimated that up to 10% of regular gym purveyors have experimented (read: abused) some type of illegal performance enhancing substance. And hey, I'm not against it by any means. But for the person who lifts twice a month and spins when the hot teacher is on the bike (read: you) these drugs wouldn't do much to facilitate your New Years resolution of being bit less of a piece of shit than you were last year. And let's face it, you've already broken it. Speaking of your 3x/month workout schedule...

3. You only do "x"

It's bad enough you don't do more of "x" but the fact that you have limited your fitness potential to one form of exercise goes to show how truly impossible your journey is. Imagine eating one food for the rest of your life. Ever see somebody consume a ton of carrots? They literally turn orange. Doing one thing (the same thing) over and over again hasn't worked out for anybody anywhere in the history of mankind. Sure you'll knock your “Fran" time down .13 seconds or finally nail some 3,000-year-old hand-balance that you spent three whole hours working on but the not so big secret is this: Nobody gives a shit. Not your friends. Not your family. Not me (especially not me). Nobody. And you're not going to get into heaven with 80 likes on your latest Instagram video. So when it comes down to it...

2. It doesn't REALLY matter to you (either).

If it did, you'd be where you wanted to be already and we wouldn't be having this discussion. You know what the secret is to getting into shape is? Don't get out of shape. Pretty easy, right? Do the things that make you happy and keep you active. Live a life filled with adventure and excitement. Take the long way home. Walk around a block you've never been down. EXPLORE. There's only one tenant to live by when it comes to fitness and its this:

Move or Move on. 

If it matters to you then you've already begun because you’ve never stopped. If it doesn't, but you still want it, you've got a problem, and that leads us to.

1. You fired your personal trainer, the only person who actually knew how to get you to where you want to be. 

What were you thinking, listening to me?

Thanks for reading. Make sure to click on the store link on my website to be apart of a growing community of self-motivated and article-debunking individuals who follow a structure and personalized program based upon their real needs in and out of the gym. Also like my Facebook page, follow me on instagram, and share!